Most of us have been through many challenges over the last year. Having healthy conversations about COVID or politics alone may have been very painful for some of us.
Last week, I had the privilege to attend a workshop that addressed ‘Difficult Conversations in Uncertain Times’ (by Rev. Kathy Young with Carlson Young Inc.) I found her information and perspective very helpful for dealing with those conversations that challenge us.
In her presentation, she talked about being conscious of your words as the first step in creating healthy conversations:
Power of Awareness precedes Choice, precedes Change!
Before we can change, we need to be aware of our words and make the choices to reflect what we want to create. Basic, but important! Most of the time we resort to our oldest responses when we are under stress. Of course, as we know, those types of responses do not help our situation.
Rev. Kathy Young explained that we often respond in one or more of the following ways:
- Clamming up
- Expressing concern to avoid a fight
- Repeating the story we tell ourselves
- Stopping the conversation
I know I’ve been guilty of all four of those responses when dealing with challenging conversations. But once we are aware of these behaviors in ourselves and what triggers them during difficult conversations, we can begin to change our responses.
Following are steps to help move us through the process:
- Stop. Breath through your nose to create safety within yourself
- Before saying anything, remember to be respectful, be kind, but be truthful
- Take an attitude of curiosity instead of judgment
Also, as Rev. Kathy suggested, beware of the ‘derailers”, such as …
- Silence
- Masking
- Avoidance
- Withdrawing
- Violence
- Controlling
- Labeling
- Attacking
Once we fall into any of these responses, it is time to go back to #1: Stopping to breathe! Remember, the other person in the conversation is trying to do their best to understand you as well.
Preparing yourself before an encounter, when possible, is also very helpful. When I have centered myself and shifted my mindset BEFORE approaching a difficult situation/conversation, it always works out better!