A friend recently shared an article that talked about forgiveness without justice. The title of her article says it all: You Do NOT Have To Forgive Your Perpetrator When There Has Been No Justice: Deconstructing Common Forgiveness Teachings That Place The Burden Of Forgiveness On Victims by Lissa Rankin, MD.
With all the years I have spent learning, practicing, and writing about the importance of forgiveness, this article jolted me to my core.
I have no desire to debate this gal’s perspective, as she is welcome to her opinion, but I do see a strong reason to peel away some of the layers of the reason behind forgiveness.
Forgiveness helps us heal!
Forgiveness is not meant to let a ‘perpetrator’ off the hook, nor is it a way to sweep the pain ‘under the rug.’ Forgiveness is a way to deal with the pains we endure in life so we can move on.
Too many times, I have been hurt by people who had no idea of the pain they caused me. How did I deal with this? I found it in my heart to forgive them and move on. Sometimes, moving on meant setting up my boundaries to protect myself from further pain. In some cases, talking to the ‘perpetrator’ often made the situation worse. Was there any justice served during this process? Mostly not!
Healing my inner pain was more important than whether there was justice in the situation. I have no control over what happens to those who purposely or unknowingly hurt me, but I am responsible for dealing with myself.
Lack of forgiveness can easily grow into bitterness. We all know someone who spends years trying to justify their position, making someone else wrong. What does that serve? Not the person harboring the bitterness.
I am a firm believer that the lack of forgiveness or ‘holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’ How does not forgiving punish the perpetrator? It only hurts the one hanging onto the lack of forgiveness.
Forgiving or not forgiving has nothing to do with justice. If someone physically assaults me, I am going to contact the authorities. This may or may not result in justice. But if I don’t forgive the person who assaulted me, I will only be punishing myself.
Lissa’s article makes me very sad. I feel she missed the path to healing. Forgiveness without justice is not always possible. I chose to live my life in constant forgiveness rather than harboring bitterness.